Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the lifeof your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best! feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your f igure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Nine Words Women Use
1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)
8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.
2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)
8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The 7 Habits of Men & Women
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Picture speaks a 1000 words
(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
World's greatest magician
Three world famous magicians were in the bar drinking and boasting about their achievements.
The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started panicking, no one could find the trick"
The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searching for it"
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on the TV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towards the door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Hey what happened ? Who is that guy ? "
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere amateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheet in front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it "
The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started panicking, no one could find the trick"
The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searching for it"
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on the TV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towards the door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Hey what happened ? Who is that guy ? "
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere amateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheet in front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it "
Friday, January 16, 2009
Monday, November 24, 2008
Black Robbers (A True Story)
For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman's show where this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story...)On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.'
Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted..Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'Instinct told her to do what they told her.
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.a shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.
More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.'He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.'She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her
to her room..
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter
as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.
The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.'
It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.'
Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted..Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'Instinct told her to do what they told her.
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.a shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.
More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.'He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.'She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her
to her room..
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter
as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.
The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.'
It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan.
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